I’ve noticed recently, via the links provided to me by various kind Twitter acquaintances, that the blogs that land the greatest accolades from the blogosphere seem to put a lot more effort than I do into ensuring that they make full use of the word “cunt”. Indeed, should you disagree with me, apparently I should be making it clear to you that the very act of disagreement itself makes you a cunt. Along with “fuck”. And all its conceivable inflections and compounds, of which a fair few are forms that personally I’d never conceived of, as it happens. But e-fucking-nough of that. I am also showing a lot less interest in male masturbation than it seems is necessary for the successful blogger, and in particular I’m not paying sufficient attention to its jizzy output.
Both the blogs I’ve linked to have won awards from TotalPolitics in various categories. Evidently the criteria for such approbations don’t include the ability to reason to any great extent, nor the ability to show even a modicum of respect to well-known figures who have doubtless got their weaknesses but who probably don’t deserve to be addressed as “Liam ‘putrid, knuckled-headed chimp’ Donaldson”.
Of course, it’s probably me that’s got it all wrong. I’ve no idea from whom I got the ridiculous notion that arguing a position might consist of a bit more than trawling through my entire back-catalogue of naughty words, and then assembling them into sentences I’d last used in adolescence. But whoever it was, I should clearly have informed them that they would have been better off fucking themselves backwards whilst jizzing liberally over the living room furniture. I can’t think why I never thought of saying it at the time.
Frankly, I’m disappointed. I feel I’ve missed the blog-boosting-awards boat completely. Slipping a sneaky “arsehole” and “fuck” into my otherwise linguistically blameless digression on the existence or otherwise of God – something I’d thought of as wildly risqué at the time – was self-evidently inadequate as a means to recognition. Well it’s not good enough. Indeed, it’s not good e-fucking-nough.
So, you load of brain-dead, cunt-shagging, jizz-soaked fuckers, I don’t need your piss-stained, shit-smeared apology for an answer to the rhetorical question I posed in this post. Hell, no, I’m fucking-well going to smear the goddam answer on your spunk-spattered tits with my own recently chuggered dick. You are all cunts.
Would it be OK to ask for my blog award now? I find profanity quite tiring, and I’m not sure I can keep it up. Not in an impotence sense, obviously.